Ugh.  Sometimes, I really hate having a huge, gushy conscience.

Our quintet has been working our butts off for two weeks and we are all giving up hours of sleep this week so we can perform on sunday, but all my viola teacher wants to do is give us the "are you sure you're ready?  are you sure?  are you sure?  are you're sure you're sure??" treatment.

all the other groups, he pushes, despite how ready they are.  But us, no.  We have to be completely ready and perfect or else we dont get included.  We sound better, I'm sure, than at least one or two of the groups he is FORCING to play, yet he doesnt think we can do it.  This is ridiculous.  He keeps on saying "if you dont perform it here, then we'll find another place for you to perform it later," but he's said that the last TWO semesters and it has yet to happen!  He says "whatever happens, you guys should feel good that you sound so much better than before," but that's like saying "awww, you failed. well at least you tried right?"  Come. On.  I'm giving up hours of sleep, as are my quintet companions, so just getting a little pat on the back for doing NOTHING is worthless at this point.  I have THREE papers to finish before thursday, two of which I've yet to start.  I dont have the liberty to spend time this week for four more rehearsals, yet I am making time.  The rest of my quintet needs to balance work hours or other rehearsals.  We've put in all this work for the entire semester just for a "better luck next time"?

So, as you can see, I"m a tad incensed about this whole thing.  Well, of course, my frustration paired with my fatigue led to me being a little disrespectful when he said tonight "Well, I havent heard the quintet tonight so I'm not sure that I'll put you on the program."  I told him that we're ready because our problems are getting smaller and smaller each time we rehearse and because we have at least 4 more rehearsals before the performance.  If we dont have a goal, there is no way to push ourselves!!!  If we say, "oh, well we might play or we might not," then how are we supposed to push ourselves?  If we for sure are in the performance on sunday, then yeah, we're going to haul ass and fix everything we can!!!  But enough of this babying!

Of course, I didn't have to snap, so I felt bad afterwards.  I let my mouth open before I could reason with myself.  It was disrespectful and I know it. So, I emailed an apology and I hope to find him sometime tomorrow to talk about things because, while I want to apologize in person, I need to explain to him that I do not enjoy this double standard for groups.  

Also, there's the issue with the email.  Last night, he requested that whenever we figure out our rehearsal schedule, somebody had to email him.  So I did.  I told him that the quintet wanted to have tonight to ourselves to work some stuff out (b/c they told me they wanted to).  Of course, he didnt get the email until 30 minutes AFTER we started our rehearsal tonight.  He replied, peeved, that he needed to hear us in order to make a decision.  Well, that's all fine and dandy, but it would've been useful information HOURS beforehand.  What am I supposed to do?  Go to him in person and ask if he got my email?  1) I dont have time for that, and 2) it's not my responsibility.  My responsibility was to send the e-mail.  If he didn't get it in time, that's his fault.  He needs to check his email more.  He knew I was going to send him an email and he even knew when, so why am I at fault?  Not to mention, it was a group decision!  Not mine!  But, because I'm messenger, I get the frustration and anger.  Duh.  

I truly am sorry for being disrespectful to him earlier (so sorry that I cant even eat b/c of guilt and stress), but the email thing is ridiculous.  I respect his opinion very much and I seek it out as much as I can, but I'm tired of this waffling between "let's go" and "you'd better not."  I gave him 24 hours notice of our rehearsal and if he wanted to come and listen, he should've checked his email sooner.  I try to accomodate his busy schedule as much as possible, but I am honestly running out of time and patience.  He used to tell me that his students came first.  Well, when you dont read their important emails in CAPITAL LETTERS, then I start to wonder if he's so overwhelmed that his priorities have changed.  

Ugh.  I'm so frustrated.  what else is new?

So.  In a word, I'm fucked.  Let me explain.

Here at wonderful Chapman university, registration is a tad different.  Up until 2 years ago, the registration pecking-order was Sophomores, Seniors, Juniors, Freshman.  However, Freshman were getting shut out of 200+ level classes, so parents cried to the university.  Now, it goes Fresh, Seniors, Juniors, Sophomores.  Sure, it was a nice perk as a freshman, except that it hardly mattered!!!  It's been a week and a half since registration started and I've yet to register.  Apart from the fact that they barely opened up any sections for ANY of my classes (yeah, all 5 of them or whatever) and that they were ALL at the same fucking time, because of my registration time, basically 2 of my classes are full as of tonight and I dont register until tomorrow.  Fucking awesome.

Essentially, I will be taking all music classes next semester with the exception of my french class (which, haha, is independent study).  No writing classes.  No english classes.  I havent yet moved into my upper division credits for english and since I want to study abroad, this could set me back a very long time (like a semester).  How can somebody get NO classes???  I dont understand!!!  How is it that I cant be guaranteed classes I need to complete my course work?  I know that no-matter what way the pecking-order is, there is always going to be somebody in this position, but this is ridiculous.  They just need to hire more fucking professors and open up more fucking sections.  I know that they can afford new teachers, being that our tutition is so fucking enormous!  I also know that, although our  new 2 million dollar fountain is cute, money is being wasted on things that dont readily affect the EDUCATION of their students.  The class I am going to be waitlisted for (when I register tomorrow NIGHT...too bad there's already like 3 people on the list) is a springboard course:  I need that course as a pre-req for all the other upper division courses.  So I cant even find a course that is open because I cant get into the pre-req!!

I just...cant believe it.  Chapman KNOWS that this class is in high demand since everybody who is an english major (meaning lit majors, creative writing majors, or journalism majors) has to take it.  Why do they only have ONE section open??  So, basically, out of the hundred people that need to take the course this semester, only 23 are allowed in?  Yeah.  Real fair.  That's basically saying that everybody EXCEPT sophomores can take the class.  

So yeah, i'm fucked.  If I cant find classes to take, I'll be stuck under my credit limit, which means no full-time student and no scholarship.  Fuckin' awesome.  And it's not like I can take filler classes either--they're all full.

I'm fucked. 

fucked.  fucked.  fucked.

 Oh god oh god...I'm so torn....

Tonight was the long awaited Huddy (aka, House x Cuddy) kiss on [H]ouse M.D.  I was sort of dreading it because I dont really support the Huddy fandom, but if they kiss in the show, Huddy then becomes canon and oh god that's a scary idea.

I mean, yes: House and Cuddy have a lot of sexual tension, but part of the fun was seeing the tension but not actually acting on it!  Not to mention, they supposedly had some sort of mystery relationship (nobody really knows how much of a relationship) in college--why get together now??

Needless to say, I've been nervous.  This season hasn't been the best of seasons so far and I didn't want them to seal their fate with some huge drama over Huddy.  


Well, now that it's over....I am....so torn.  I still stand by my previously stated fears, but....the kiss....

....that was a damn good kiss.  Like...really good.  Like......I want to marry Hugh Laurie again good.  

So, I'm torn.  Bad idea, but the kiss itself was magnificent.  

Next step?  I'm worried about the previews for the next episode (in TWO weeks...fuck you election).  Wilson telling Cuddy "I've always had feelings for you?"  Uhm......is that taken out of context or are they trying to inject themselves with cheap drama?

We'll have to wait and see.  As for me, I'll probably die before I get there.  




It really was a superb kiss.  Mmmmm....

 "I suck at lips lately"

that's..pretty much true.

I went to get a free ticket to Barber of Seville for sunday today and they gave out the last 2 yesterday.  Fucking retarded.  I kept on forgetting to go there earlier this week to get tickets, and then, whenever I did, the office girls either peaced out early for the day or they werent even there.  I went in there yesterday morning and nobody was in there.  Sure, I would've loved to chill in there and miss my class so I could wait for them to show up.  >/  *sarcasm*



Yeah, okay fine, so I'm PARTLY deflecting my own anger to them.  I should've been more proactive on going.  I'm just....so pissed, and broken-hearted right now. :/  I've wanted to see Barber of Seville ever since I saw Marriage of Figaro when I was 14.  Finally it's here and I fuck up big time.

If I want to go, I get to drive down there sunday before the show and hope they have student rush tickets (who am I kidding?  they usually do), which are $30 (instead of free) and are in Terrace 2 (instead of orchestra).  Fucking awesome.  

Though, I suppose seeing it from a mile away is better than not seeing it at all.

doesn't mean I"m any less fucking pissed.  Not to mention, I dont think I can afford it since I had an overdraft charge posted to my bank account a few days ago.  I have to pay bills. :/  I fucking rock.  Luckily, my mom says she'll get the ticket for me.  

This is so not my month.  this week it's NSF, no Barber tickets, broken shower, broken lightbulb in my room, and full-body pain from falling off my razor.  Last week it was a tendonitis scare.  The week before was unbearable toe pain that caused me to lose major sleep.  

 So, on sunday, my hand pain vanished so I guess it's not tendonitis.  That being said, Becker and I are going to go slow when fixing the shit that's going on with my vibrato and general hand positions.  Just in case. 

What I think happened was that, on the previous Sunday, when I was working on Sarah's b-day card, I  was reaching for my bag and my chair tipped.  I must've slammed my hand against the wall to brace myself.  I probably just exacerbated my hand tension, erupting into full on muscle pain.  

At any rate, it was fine since this past sunday.  I've been happy and ready to approach viola once again! :D



That is, until I totally ate it off my Razor scooter on my way to french class today.  Now, normally, when my scooter hits a chink in the sidewalk (and there are many, many chinks and cracks here in old-towne orange), it goes out from under me and I can keep my balance on the ground.  Well, today, things didnt happen that way.  I had my backpack (which is a large messenger bag filled with heavy shit) on when it happened and since all its weight is on one side of my body, despite my attempts to remain balanced, it just pulled me down and I took a tumble.  I couldnt eve control my fall because the pack made me unstable. Ugh.

So, of course I land right on my wrist (thank you mother nature for instilling us with this automatic response to the potential of head trauma) and just, hit the pavement hard.  my entire hand, wrist, and arm (the same one from last week's incident) is aching like a motherfucker and it's driving me crazy.  That and all the bones in my body are throbbing.  Oh yeah, and did I mention that when I went down, I clamped my jaw so hard that my teeth were killing me.  Now, every time I sneeze (which, thanks to allergy season, is happening more often), my jaw and teeth hurt.  

I can only imagine the world of hurt I will be experiencing tomorrow when I wake up.  Good stuff.  

Somebody with a higher power doesnt want me to play viola.  the fuck.  

So, my mom turned me onto something interesting called MyDailyPlate.  It's a free online food journal sponsored by LiveStrong.  You basically search for any food (including restaurant foods or specific brands) and it calculates how many calories you've eaten the entire day.  It gives you a breakdown on how much of it is carbs, protein, and fat.  You can also set up a plan with their Calorie calculator that tells you how many calories you can eat a day.  You fill out the info on the calculator, choose whether you want to maintain, gain, or lose weight (and how many lbs a week), and it tells you.  That then goes to "your plate" (what you've eaten that day) and says "you can still eat X calories today!"

You can also plug in how much you exercise.  You plug in what you did for how long and it calculates how many calories you burned.  Plus, there are an array of graphs they can calculate for you based on your weekly journals.  It's really awesome actually.

And!  Since I've been snacking on my homemade pumpkin brownies (of which there is nothing in the MyDailyPlate database), I was able to input the entire recipe and they calculated the nutrition information for it. :)

I really hope to use this effectively in trying to become healthier.  It's so much easier when you have OTHER people doing your math for you.  This way, I can now have somebody tell me "HEY.  You've over your effing limit!"  Lol.  It's almost like...a video game?  You have to stay under a certain amount.  

If you want to lose weight, become a healthier person, or just are curious about how much you eat per day, you should check it out.  Again, it's free.  It's like having a nutritionist following you around.  

I know this sounds like an advertisement (and perhaps it is....) but I think it's more of a celebration for me.  I was horrible about eating today, but hopefully, I'll be able to take control of this from now on. :)  

I just came back from the best CCO movie night in the history of my time in CCO..

...which is roughly about 2.25 semesters.

Yeah.

We watched Lion King, but believe me, when you watch Lion King with the CCO peeps, it's an all new experience altogether. Then, because nobody was ready to leave, we popped in Austin Powers. Fun times.

Then of course everybody else split, so Jake, Katie, Jen, Kalena and I were all that were left to clean up. It was cool--we're all awesome people so it was fun. I offered to drive Jake home with his chairs (he brought them for movie night) and drove the other two girls to their car.

We sat in my car for like....30 minutes just talking shit. xD It was a blast. I love them. :< I'm sad they're all seniors. Sad day.

Anyway, I vowed that all that was said would never leave the car, so if you need to know what was said, take it up with Hugh. Cant guarantee that he'll talk though.

Lol the best part was their reaction to my car. xD They were all "OMG it's a fucking space ship!!! Like 2001 a space odyssey!" I even counted down when I was doing my 3-point turn to drive away. Hahaha! Man..best night EVER. <3

The entire purpose of this entry is just for me to rant/vent. If you dont watch House, then by all means, you dont have to read this. xD

*ahem* here we go.

So, ever since the end of season 3, fans of House have been on edge. As a recap, the season finale of season 3 involved House's medical team either getting fired or resigning. During the first half of season 4 (which was sadly cut in half because of the writer's strike), House hired 40 people and fired them until he was left with only 3. While the old team (known in the message board world as the "ducklings") is still around, there are definitely NOT center stage anymore; the new team has taken that position. This has caused some extreme anger within the fandom.

As you all know, I already hate fandoms tres much. Apart from the incredibly hopeful "Huddy" (house and cuddy relationship), which I find incredibly annoying, there is this explosion of animosity towards the new characters on the show as well as the producers. Therefore, there is MUCH for me to bitch about.

First of all, I hate how the fans constantly deem themselves the experts on the show's direction. Of course! A bunch of people who are obsessed with a TV show they watch after school/work are experts on how to craft fine drama! Pfft! Then why do they even have a staff of writers in the first place? I mean, might as well just poll the fans. Seriously, even I dont even want to attempt to dictate the direction of my show. It's not my job and so far, I've enjoyed what they've put out. As soon as they start trying to solely please the fans instead of crafting the story, that's when you get major loads of shit on television. :/ It loses any artistic value when they do that so I hope they dont get pressured by the superfluous amounts of fans who are bitching about how they hate this character and how nobody knows how to write the show. I'd LOVE to see how those fans would rewrite it. I really would. Because I enjoy a good laugh. :)

Honestly, I think the only reason (and I mean the ONLY reason) people hate the new House Team so much is because we all loved the old team. The ironic thing is that these people havent even learned anything from the tv show. House himself constantly says people cant change or that they dont respond well to change. Hell-oo! What are people doing now? There was a HUGE change and people are not responding positively. It's almost as if the producers at House are proving a point. XD Personally, I dont think anybody is giving these characters a chance. The fans dont see new characters with new possibilities, they just see replacements for a cast of characters they loved--and who are still on the show.

Although I cant say that I'm just as satisfied by the new team as I was by the old, I can say that I do like the characters and am excited for the new direction the show is taking. Thirteen has a terminal disease in which she may only have 20 years, or less, to live. That is going to significantly influence her character and I'm very excited to see in what ways the producers want her to act becasue of this. Will she start doing insane things? Will she eventually resign herself to the fact that she is going to die? Is she going to do anything she can to get rid of her disease? I've heard Thirteen's situation compared to Cameron's almost-AIDS diagnosis back in season 3 (she took drugs and had sex because she thought she had AIDS--irrational, I know), but the only difference is that Cameron's test was NEGATIVE for AIDS. Thirteen most certainly has Huntington's disease. She is most certainly going to die. What next? That's what I'm excited to see.

Nobody is giving these new characters a chance to develop. It's impossible to compare them to the old team at this point! They've had a grand total of like.....7 episodes devoted to those 3 as House's team...where as the old team had an entire THREE SEASONS to develop. The old team is a highly developed cast of characters. There's so much pre-judging going on. Everybody is pissed and everybody says that the show is going downhill.

So far, the episodes arent as awesome as the previous season, but they're entering into new territory with the storyline and it is important for them to take the time they need to transition us. If they tried to transition us with one episode, it would be poor writing. Honestly, my biggest rap right now isnt with the show, it's with the advertising. They're giving away all the good stuff, the punch lines, in the "Next time on House" bits. That's why the premiere wasnt that shocking. That's why next episode's tragedy wont be that shocking. THEY'RE TELLING US. If you're going to tell us the punch line, you'd better have something else up your sleeve or else people will be yawning during the episode. Teasers should tease, not spoil.

Anyway, I guess the moral of this story is dont judge a show by it's transitional period. Amen.




Haha, sorry about that rant guys. I just needed a place to dump out all the thoughts that were forming in my head when reading the comments on this one thread. It was old, so if I posted actual responses, they wouldn't have been read. This way, I at least feel like I"ve said my piece.

In other news, I just spent more money on season 2 of Supernatural. Eegads. What have I become? Ugh.....but I just..cant help it. I watched like....6 hours of Supernatural today and when I was so anxious after the season 1 finale, I just...went out and bought season 2. T_T

I have issues.

Dude....I have an LJ?

When did this happen?


ugh. I've been soo busy. D: so busy that I basically did no homework this entire weekend.

I'm awesome. :/

what's a girl to do? It's gotten to the point that I"m so stressed during the week, I cant focus at all during the weekends!!! UGH.

and other news:

The Dia De Los Muertos contest I entered ends wednesday. T_T wish me luck???

Iron Man comes out on DVD tuesday...I'm all over that. Hell ya. <3

I have too many tv shows to watch....House on tuesdays, Project Runway and Pushing Daisies on Wednesday, Office on Thursday, My Own Worst Enemy on Mondays (starting in a few weeks).

Thank Allah for DVRs.

You know, there are a shitload of these "what do your friends really think of you?" applications on facebook and honestly, I think their more insulting than fun.

How is me seeing that one of my friends thinking I"m a shoplifter fun? All it is is insulting and makes me question if my friends are really my friends.

And to top it off, said person decided to remain anonymous. So, they add an application so they can say shit about their friends without having to deal with the repercussions? Nice and awesome. Keep it up.

Sure, there are all things that bother us about our friends, but does it mean it has to be said? There are certain relationships you have with certain people where you are allowed to be brutally honest. Those few people with which I have that type of relationship hardly use facebook let alone have this application and therefore arent allowed to be brutally honest without me getting pissed off.

And the whole anonymity thing is retarded. So basically, I have to take shit from people without any way to defend my own character? Talk about shooting fish in a barrel.

Its retarded shit like this that makes me mad that any person with a keyboard and a cpu can make an application. I never even signed up for this application, yet I see that my friends are judging me. At least the honesty box is voluntary--I didnt get to even okay my participation.

Sure, you can say all you want about me taking this too far and too personal, but when somebody accuses ME of shoplifting, I get a little pissed off. For the record, I think all shoplifters are little fuckers who need serious help or serious jail-time. I would NEVER shoplift and if you think I would, then you honestly aren't really somebody who knows the slightest bit about me.

And if it was meant as a joke, it's not a very good one and I"m not laughing. A joke is only funny is both people are laughing, so in my opinion, you need to re-evaluate your sense of humor.

Why is it that I only post about shitty things that happen to me? I guess shitty things are far more interesting than happy things....blarg...

So, this week has sucked. Firstly, I missed a big french assignment because of time mismangagement....now, normally, this isnt too bad, but I got back my LAST assignment and saw that the teacher LOVED it...A+ style....D: I felt like a moron turning in a half-finished assignment.

Then, and this is really one of the big things this week, they had to put my dog down on Wednesday. :/ Thirteen years.....over. It's taking it sweet time sinking in....so I'll probably still tear up for awhile when I have to tell people about it a week from now (if it comes up).

Today, I woke up with extreme nausea and I thought I was going to throw up. It went away in time for me to go to my viola lesson, where it came back again. It continued fluxuating through music theory, mingling with hunger, until finally it just became extreme hunger (It was so bad when I left the house that morning, I couldnt drink water, let alone eat, without wanting to throw up).

After that, things were good.....until, mystically and magically, about 30 minutes ago, I looked at my phone and the screen is all wonky. I did NOTHING. It was just in my pocket as I was standing playing viola. Now I cant see the time, caller ID, what I'm dialing, my bars, the date....nothing.....I mean, yeah, I can open up my phone to see these things, but that's beyond the point. I got this phone in mid-june....actually, this phone is a replacement for yet ANOTHER EnV2 whose numbers stopped working in June.......fuck this. I"m going to verizon tomorrow and telling them to give me a new one. I cant even....fathom why this is happening. It was working, then it wasnt. It didnt fall. I didnt bump into anything.....NOTHING.


I like...hate my life.....GRR. why?!!! WHY?!!!!!!!!! D:

The only good news (actually....it kind of makes me sad too) is that I finished "Code of the Woosters" and I loved it. I'm very sad it's over. I'm very glad that there are like...2 more novels and 10 more short stories in the series.

BUT OTHER THAN THAT: GRR.


oh yeah....PS! I burned my finger while steaming some veggies a week and a half ago....AND IT'S STILL REALLY BAD. It's on my 3 finger on my left hand.....so it gets aggravated when I practice viola for, oh, more than 20 minutes. D: I have it soaking in neosporin now....but ugh....why......PORQUE? POURQUOI?! T^T


< edit>
And...AND..(because I feel like just listing my shit now.....arent I cool? *shot*) one of my fish died last night. And my $200 keyboard that is pretty much brand new died the other night. Death. Death. Death. No wonder I"m burying myself in books lately. D: It's the only thing other than viola that doesnt suck!!! And yes, contrary to popular belief, I'm actually quite happy with my viola playing right now. the FUCK. xD I must initiate masochistic-violist mode now!! Blam!

It's all b/c Mr. Becker is so amazing and makes me love my instrument and how I play again. :< Today he said that he loves teaching me b/c he likes how my brain works and I how I solve problems on my own.

I guess the world doesnt suck all that much after all.


Hey, LJ, thanks for listening. <3 I feel much better now.

< /edit>

I was totally born in the wrong place and time...

I should've been born like..35 years ago in England.

I should've gone to Oxford.


That way...I would've been able to marry Hugh Laurie....

and my life would be complete. xD






I am a terribly demented person. Arent you glad you know me?





P.S. This entry is really an excuse for me to use my RawrHouse icon. Lawl.

P.S.S. Some of you may know of a certain dream a certain female Hugh fan had involving themselves, Hugh, and their car (who, incidentally, is also named Hugh). I would appreciate it if that knowledge remained on a need to know basis, as in nobody needs to know. Get it? Got it? Good.

I am having another one of my "I am worthless" bouts so bear with me...


Yesterday I auditioned for Orchestra. I didnt practice all that much, so I'm not sure what I was expecting, but when I went in there, I sounded great and my friend told me that I had nothing to worry about. I started believing it and I had thought I did very well--my best audition yet. I thought that maybe I'd even move up a chair in orchestra...that'd be nice.

Of course, like every story that begins this way, I got last chair. Again. And not only last chair....I'm last chair on two pieces....I dont play in the other 3 pieces at all (along with two other violists). I basically only have rehearsal once or twice a week... amounting to 1-2 hours of orchestra a week....out of 8 possible hours.

I feel like I'm the throwaway violist. The person who really doesnt matter at all to the orchestra and is just there b/c she auditioned.

And you know what, I dont even think it's the last chair part that bothers me. I was last chair all last year and I didnt give a shit. It's the fact that I THOUGHT I auditioned well and apparently I didnt. It's also because last year, I felt a part of the orchestra....we had 1. Now we have some shitty idea about having different people play on different pieces. So I'm only playing in the ones that EVERYBODY is playing in...nothing special for me. How am I supposed to feel as if I'm a part of anything when I'm only there 1/3 of the fucking time? How?

I am so fucking mis-informed about my ability. I went to colorado this year and fucking bombed my piece in masterclass. I got upset about it and everybody said "you did so well blablabla" yet I wasnt convinced. So, in order to convince myself that I didnt completely fail at playing, I played in another masterclass on a different piece and really liked it. People said I did well, that I improved.

as soon as I start having some fucking confidence in my ability, something like this happens and I feel worthless again.


and I think the other reason is that, for like...the 10th year in a row, I am one chair behind Courtney. I have to be honest, I've felt that I"ve been better than Courtney for a least a year, maybe 2. And you know what, this is the first time I've ever said it outside my head. I feel deeply ashamed every time I think about it because I know it isnt right, but that's just how I feel most of the time. Yet, she is always ahead of me, always deemed better than me and for some reason, that bothers me. And I dont know why. And I dont know what to do about it. I always feel like I"m missing something, like some vital piece of information about what I'm doing wrong and what she's doing right.

And that's when I realize it's because I'm mediocre. I'm a mediocre artist, I'm a mediocre writer, I'm a mediocre violist. In order for me to become better in any of these areas, I have to stop doing one.

But I cant bring myself to do that.

Does this mean that I am doomed to be mediocre for the rest of my life?


My mother says that I'm not receptive to criticism. It's hard to be receptive when you dont ever get any. She says that I dont get any because people have given up trying to deal with me. If that's the case then I truly lead a sad, sad existence, dont I?

I've been a real bitch lately. I'm making statements and shoving opinions into peoples' faces without any care for THEIR feelings or without any actual proof. I have not read any of the Twilight books, yet I am passing extreme judgement on them.

While I maintain my own dislike for the books, what they stand for, and fandom in general (and I mean fandom for all things), it is not my duty or my place to try put down the people who DO like it. I have some strange animosity towards the whole series, but that is something I will have to deal with by myself, not something to drag the entire internet into (thought I'd be giving myself too much credit if I said the entire internet was reading my little LJ here).

I can preach and preach all day long about how I can say whatever I want on my own journal and people should deal with it, but I dont think I will ever believe it. Sure, I can say whatever I want and people dont have to like it, but it doesnt mean that there wont be repercussions for me, like making a friend angry.

I'm rather embarassed at my actions because I, of all people, know how important and how impactful words are, yet I used them for a bad purpose. Did I think that this time there wouldn't be a problem? Did I ever consider the feelings of other people? No. The entire reason I did any of this was to just rant and rant until I felt better, something that's fine to do in private, but when you shove it into other people's faces, especially if they have a contrasting viewpoint, it's not exactly fair.

It's also incredibly hypocritical of me to expect respect when I am not giving it out. It's hypocritical of me to dole out the shit when I would have no intention of wanting it doled out to me. It's hypocritical of me to expect people to deal with my attacks when I know very well that I'd never put up with them. For someone who believes in "treat others how you expect to be treated," I've been very hypocritical.

So I want to say "sorry." I want to tell all of you that I really do respect how much you all love Twilight, the same way you probably respect how much I love House M.D. I complain about how I hate huge fandoms and how Twilight is like the new Harry Potter, but that gives me no excuse to insult people who love what they love. A friend said to me in her comments on my last post ("Vampyre") that people just love to have someplace that they can go and get away from the world. I dont know why I've been so angry at that concept because it's something I love to do too. I have absolutely no excuse to force my opinions on to those who think differently, no matter how much I am annoyed by what is going on. Even if I am annoyed by all this obsession over Edward Cullen, that doesn't mean I should publicly put somebody on display for showing how much they love someone. I'm not forced to read other people's posts on how amazing the books are and therefore I'm not forced to rant. I can just look away and enjoy my own things. Instead, I've been lashing out for reasons not even I understand.

Again, I am very sorry. Please enjoy what you enjoy. I will try to be a better person from now on and be more receptive to contrasting viewpoints. All this time I thought I could get away with pride by choosing a high giraffe instead of a high horse, but I didnt change the height, just the type of steed.

...if that makes any sense at all...

Vampires are making me sad. :<

They used to be awesome, but they've kind of been whoring themselves out lately....I'll talk more about that below the cut.

.....nevermind? I guess there are no cuts anymore? Weird (I cant find the button any longer).

Well then, if you happen to love Twilight, please skip the next section. I dont want more people mad at me than there already are:

< rant >

Vampires used to be badass, sexy, powerful, unique, and scary. Now they've become something of a commonly found creature. Humans have become the minority nowadays (that's why characters like Batman are as awesome as ever...because he has no genetic super-strength or powers). Also, Vampires have totally lost what actually makes them vampires--their bestiality. Keep in mind, when vampires were first created, they were not even remotely human. Sure, they took on the forms of humans occasionally (and not very well), but that was just an outer skin. They were actually monsters inside. Even Alucard from Hellsing wasn't his handsome cloak-bearing self all the time; his real form was a mess of black mass, eyeballs, dog-faces, and a limb here or there. Also, vampires were never good. Vampires were children of Hell--demons (whom we've also instilled with human values, kindness, and butterflies). However, even as we created vampire protagonists, like Alucard and Seras Victoria from Hellsing, they still had a major flaw (relating back to their original archetype, the Byronic hero), which was that constant battle between their human domesticated side and their monstrous side.

Nowadays, vampires dont even drink blood! They can restrain themselves or maybe they can even take blood tablets. Hellsing vampires drank medical blood, sure, but they also gorged themselves on the lives of REAL creatures once and awhile. Vampires have been highly romanticized and it's pissing me off. I know, I know, let people be creative, but how is destroying the whole point of an entire race of creatures by instilling them with traits that humans already have creative? How is making a Harry Potter-esque vampire story full with watered down vampires (98% human, 2% vampire in character creation) who love humans something to be proud of?

There's an anime I started watching (based on a manga that I was reading in HS but eventually stopped for no apparent reason) called Vampire Knight. It's good. Sure, it's got a lot of shojo elements in it, but the vampires in it are not sissy girls like the ones in Twilight seem to be (and if those of you who actually read it feel that they're not sissies, give me textual reasons why not as well as ceasing all of your fangirl shit with it). In Vampire Knight, the vampires are the facade of the vampires we see today--beautiful, courteous, strong, mysterious--but they still have that significant trait that separates them from humans: the ability to be a monster. In fact, most of the human characters in the story dont even know that they ARE vampires. If the bulk of the supporting characters knew of their vampiric nature, I dont think they would be fawning over the so called "night class." In Twilight's defense, these vampires are "sparkly" too, but they get pretty nasty when they drink your blood (something they're NOT afraid to do).

I'm just angry that everybody is a vampire nowadays. It's starting to make me feel ashamed of my own vampire characters (who were created almost 5 years ago, before this vampire boom) and I love them too much to do that. It's a conflicting emotion. Well, at least my vampires engage in bloodbaths and have to actually CONFRONT the monstrous part of themselves before they can actually be good characters. At least my vampires actually hearken back to the original Byronic hero. Itran and Seymour are better than any fucking Edward Cullen any day. And I'm not at ALL afraid to say that.

Sigh, I probably just made more people mad at me. :/ Well, there are only 3 people that read my LJ, two of which hate Twilight, and the other one is already mad at me. So, I guess I'm okay then? XD ......sad times. :/ I wish people didn't get mad at me for speaking my mind. Just because I'm not in love with some stupid book that everybody else is in love with is no reason not to speak to me.

To all you Twilight fangirls: You want us "non-believers" to respect what you like, but it makes it awfully hard for us to do that when you don't respect us for what we DON'T like.

And if you're not intentionally ignoring me, Jessie, it might be nice for you to respond to one of my comments with just a single word. That might help dispell any thoughts I have of you being pissed at me. Thx.

< /rant >

Anyway, for all you Twilight people, it's safe to look now!

So my friend invited me to a vampire movie night at her house on friday, but most people going are guys I dont even know so I dont think I'm going to go. Not to mention, she calls it vampire movie night, but they're watching BOTH underworlds (one of the worst vampire movies I've ever seen), queen of the damned and interview with a vampire (which I heard isnt too bad). No Bella Legosi movies??? Seriously? :/


Why am I so bitter? Sheesh.

Shit, man...I think my head it going to explode with all this freaking talk of Twilight.  It's around every fucking corner and it's really getting on my nerves.  The more people fan-girl over it, the more it pisses me off, and the more pissed off I become, the more indignant I become about reading it.  At this rate, I dont think I will ever read it.  I mean, before, I was just...uninterested, but NOW, I'm just so annoyed with it that I dont ever want to bother.  

At least I'm fortunate to have 2 friends who dislike it.  Thank.  God.  


Now I know how Spitz feels, being the only guy at my office who HATED Dark Knight. xD  Only, at least we here at Ignite Health dont fan-girl over batman.  Then again, Batman isnt something I see people fan-girling over anyway. xD

kfkdfjksfj BATMAN! JOKER!  SO KAWAII NO DESU KA!  

Or whatever the fuck desu arigatou gozaimasu.  

And you know what, if people get pissed at me for bashing anime fangirls, fuck you.  I used to be one.  That is how I used to act all througout middleschool and most of high school.  


So there.  Meh.

So, first of all, Hi.   How are you?  Long time no see, ja?  We should do lunch sometime.  Yes.  Opera is now finito and while I would absolutely love to say that I'll have more time now, that would plainly be a lie.  I wont bore you with everything that I have to do, but it's a lot and I have to do it.  Only 4 more weeks of school until finals week!  that's insane D:

Anyway, this weekend held a LOT of firsts of college life for me!  On friday after the opera, I got a call from my friends Sarah, Kirsten and Christine to come over to their room.  When I did, they were all dressed up.  Of course, they wanted me to DD (be a designated driver) for this party they and their two guy friends wanted to go to at the Adelpho house.  So I took them there and it wasnt so bad.  They didnt get shitfaced or even drunk.  They were just buzzed.  Anyway, there's a point in the night (after 2am) that some of the guys started rolling joints and smoking weed. D:  I was like "um...I feel uncomfortable" and so we left.  It was an interesting night to say the least, though I could hardly call it a party (more like 10 people playing darts and having a shot once in awhile), especially after the next night's events....

So, saturday rolls around, we play opera night #2: success!  Anyway, I'm chatting with Katie, Kylie, and Courtney in the orchestra practice room after the show when Daniel (our maestro) pops his head in and asks us if we are going to the after-party at Jennifer's house (she's in choir and orch).  We didnt know about it so he tells us where it is and whatnot.  Of course, it's about 10:30 pm now so I have to take Kylie home.  Katie comes in the car with me to drive Kylie back to Irvine and then, when we get back to Orange, we find Jenn's house and go to the partay.  When we get there, there is like a bunch of people on the porch, but most of them are in concert black so I cant tell who's who.  Katie and I go inside, get some punch (we dont drink)  and just chill out.  Not many people are inside the room and it's kind of quiet......

Then all of a sudden, Daniel (remember...he is my orchestra professor) struts in and announces quite suddenly "I think it's time for another one!"  All the people on the porch, people from my orchestra, gather around the table and take a shot.  Katie and I are cracking up; we've never seen Daniel like this before.  From there, it just gets worse.  He's totally out of his mind the entire night.  I could tell story after story, but I've been telling them a lot lately and I'd rather not get tired of them just yet. 

All I can say is that next time I hear the words "orchestra" and "party" together, I'm sooo there with my camera! 

Good news is that I heard that after the Sholund gala, Jenn is hosting another party.  Woot!

Speaking of Sholund, I finally found out what it is.  So, basically, we play our piece (this year, it's the Mozart Mass in C minor), and then we change into fancy dresses and have dinner at this gala where they give out awards.  I really really want to wear my black dress that I wore for Winter Formal senior year, but eh...after new years that year, I couldnt fit into it anymore....so!  I am going on a diet until may 3rd (sholund).  WISH ME LUCK.  Today was my first day of dieting (I'm using lots of tips that kylie gave me last night) and I'm really really tired right now b/c of my blood sugar (probably).  Icky. 

Oh well, I'll survive! 

I'm lame and stole this from Jessie.  I just love all these diff itunes memes ><

How many songs total:  1,231
How many hours or days of music: 3.5 days
Most recently played: Pam Berry--The Shins
Most played:  At the Ballet-- A Chorus Line
Most recently added: Concerto for Clarinet, Viola, and Orchestra-- Max Bruch

Sort by song title: 

First Song: Absinth I drink you, Absinth I eat  you--Taraf De Haidouks
Last Song: 99 Red Luft Balloons (Modern Ver)

Sort by time:

Shortest Song: Prelude to the End of the Game--Sting at 0:21
Longest Song: Piano Concerto No. 1: Allegro Con Spirito-- Tchaikovsky

Sort by album:

First album: Achtung Baby-- U2
Last album: The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee

First song that comes up on Shuffle: 11am-- Incubus

Search the following and state how many songs come up:
Death - 3
Life - 29
Love - 32
Hate - 1
You - 81
Sex - 1

Wow..I haven't updated in awhile.  I feel bad, I really do!  Well...to make up for it, I've got something for you...


P.S. Lyric of the Day Week Month Indefinite Amount of Time:

"In Paris I saw a big fish
swimming slow in the Seine
it made hopeful that someday
our water will be breatheable again"
                           
                         -Dusseldorf , Regina Spektor

so....after a week of watching House for like...6 hours a day...I finally got sick. xD haha  No reallly..I am sick..I hope it's just a cold, but last time this happened I was anemic for a week....

Is there good news? Of course there is!  Here's something: I've been drawing very well this week and I"m all happy-dappy about it!!  However, I dont care about that nearly as much as the fact that I can feel my creative urge test the water.  I personally think it's the reading I've been doing; I finished all of "Dirk Gently" (Douglas Adams) a few weeks ago and I moved onto Hugh Laurie's "The Gun Seller," which I've been highly engrossed in.  Reading the wit of both these talented authors has made my own creative voice brave the mess english has made of my brain and kind-of...reappear out of the woodwork.  You could say Dr. House has kind of ...cured me! haha

but really...ever since AP English, my creative organ has been quite ill and I've had trouble liking my own stories as well as writing style.  It's like..this whole first semester has been a type of therapy to get that organ back in working order.  I also think that reading is the only way for me to regain confidence in my own talent.  The answer is: read more.  As my friend Kylie cleverly told me, I already do read a lot, but none of that reading is my own choice.  I mean, I dont hate what they tell me to read in school, I like it a lot of the time, but it's not my choice of relaxing reading!!  That's why I decided that my New Year's Resolution is to read more books.

It's also why I decided that my study abroad, either next year or the year after that, I will be going to England.  And if I like it, I would love to do some grad work over there. 

The English language is the same for both the UK and the USA, however, we use it quite differently.  I find that my favorite use of the language is the version they use in England.  I know that sounds dumb but that pithy and chatty way of British writers is what I enjoy.  "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy," in its first and purest form (the BBC radio show, which preceded the book that I equally love), was really the first type of advanced language I was exposed to.  I was listening to it in like...the 2nd grade.  I read the actual book in the 4th.  That is why I'm a very chatty and pithy writer by nature.  Of course, I can get out of that easily, but it's what I enjoy the most!!!  fkdjfksjdfksjfks I dont expect anyone to really understand the ramblings of a sick, tired, writer with an injured creative organ, but since my academic writing has improved so much, I decided that my creative writing needs to come out of the cave and get to work.  The singular best idea I have so far is to go back to my roots....and read some Douglas Adams!!

....after I finish Hugh Laurie, who writes in an equally pithy and chatty style.